of passion and love

Well it has been a stint since I updated this blog. Honestly because I am again feeling some equine confusion. I had my own horse for one glorious semester (Dancer) but he left about a month ago to join his owner in Florida. I miss him so much, to have the freedom to jump on him bareback at any point and literally just let him putz around and graze while i laze on his back. I miss him dearly. Dancer and I were not soul mates, but we were friends and he taught me a lot about myself and my horses. He also helped my during some really tough times.

I have been breaking a horse named Gracie, literally in a backyard and i am quickly growing to adore her. She tries so very hard with enough fire to make her fun. her first ride was a dream and since then she has had nothing but try in her. I cannot wait to continue to advance her, but as usual she is not mine, and although I can place suggestions and strong opinions, I ultimately have absolutely no control over her fate. It is such torture.

This has been the story of my life in the horse industry. I am a self made rider, someone who has ridden anything with hair, and have learned most of my lessons the hard way. I adore, love and nurture horses and then owners take them away, i am forced to leave or other such issues. I dream of the day that I have one horse who I can truly love and have the ability to truly make decisions and goals and compete with my own horse. I recently reflected on sixhorses who have made the biggest impact ony my life. Looker, Sissy, Nika, Gazie, Dusty and Dahl Whinnie. Someday I will outline their stories for your pleasure but the bottom line is that they were really my horse friends. This has been a theme throughout my life, they are both my passion and a heartache. I have dreams about Looker even though the last time I saw him was over a year ago. I miss him as much as I miss my friends who have moved away. I have images so strong about him that it is just awful and incredible to relive my rides with him. Even now i am literally on the brink of tears. And there have been so many others, Dancer, Lily, Taboo, Stering, Kabire, Flash, Escapade, Brassie, Echo, Bonnie, Puff and along with every horse face is a series of friends and mentors who have made me the person who I am today, and the horseperson I am today.

This is such a depressing topic, but it is such a theme and an undeniable one at that. I have dreams of the Olympics, but no feasible way to get there… which is another source of torture. I cannot express in words my longing to achieve these dreams of a horse of my own, competing at the level that shows not only my skill but my passion and my relationship with the horse. I want to demonstrate to myself that I do have the dedication that I think I have. Dreams are fickle and memories both an escape and a source of torment. Horses are as real to me as anything else.

I recently went home and revisited my toys of the past. The realistic grand champions, my first equine loves. I cannot express the small child that rose inside me with the desire to make them prance and jump and the dreams they carried on their backs, one day i just wanted to trot, but now i want to soar and fly with my equine friends. Those dreams came true, I hope I can make those horses proud, the ones who built me, and those who taught me so much. I know this whole entry might have sounded extreme, but this is the honest truth, I have no idea how to tame this restlessness i feel and to quell the feelings of loss, the horses I morn. Horses literally are my past and my future…. I hope I can achieve what I dream, just as fervently as any horse crazy little girl.

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