It has been 8 months since my last post, mostly due to a huge life upheaval that occurred around the time of my last post in December 2009. I never knew how rooted I was in the last barn that I was a part of, but I am still dealing with my decision to leave. People would be debating the subtle complexities of my decision to leave the place that I loved for so long, but it took a huge time of recovery and I am not quite sure I am completely over it.
Like any deep life involvement, horses can never be just a job, those horses and those people really were my life. I still dream- literally, dream about riding my favorite horse on the cross country field, think constantly about how my students are doing, and I miss my friendships like crazy. Horses truly have a way of getting into your heart, I consistently try my best to stay objective when working with horses, but it is difficult, and I might even argue that it is impossible. Whether it is feeding a horse and learning his silly quirks and behavior, to breaking a horse and literally being the first on her back… I miss those horses. Overall, I learned about life skills, especially about interpersonal relationships and life lessons that I would never trade. Never. Beyond life skills, I was able to increase my riding skills, my confidence and my work ethic. I wish I could show appreciation for the riding that I was able to learn, I never really think I was actually able to express to my teacher and mentor how much she taught me, both in the saddle and out, and this is a constant regret. I never again will neglect to tell someone how much I appreciate them.
I miss the horses the most, I got to know each and every one of them so personally, I knew their simple likes, their dislikes, and their moods. Those horses were such a part of my life that I feel like I broke up with a long lost lover, and my heart still breaks when thinking about them.
Around this time of my leaving the barn, I also did, literally break up with my boyfriend of the time. He and I had a rough time of it for a few months, and finally I felt so dragged through the mud and beaten up, that it ended exactly at the right time, but it was not a clean break, it was one that affected me until May of last year. On top of losing friendships, my job and important horses, I also lost one of my biggest support systems. Wow, I think I have portrayed how difficult the winter and spring of 2010 was for me, but to every darkness there is always light.
Today, in fall of 2010, I am happy, healthy and looking forward to some amazing new opportunities and life paths. This is the light, this is the hope in my life, and horses had so much to do with the healing that I experienced. Last semester I was lucky enough to ride and awesome horse, a Thoroughbred gelding belonging to my roommate named Dancer. Dancer helped me in so many ways, he gave me confidence when I felt like I had none, and he was always willing to listen when I needed to talk. It is absolutely amazing to me how horses have been healers and steadfast friends in my life, and Dancer definitely was just that. A friend when I felt like I had so few.
In February I accepted a position at a college prep school in Arizona for the summer, which was probably the best experience of my life, and the most therapeutic thing I could have done for myself. Hopefully my next post will tell all about the glories of Arizona, and how I am such a different girl than the one who left good old Colorado for a summer away.
In so many ways, I have had a life of upheaval and change, and this past year was no simple change, it was a flying change, with a hop, skip and a buck in the middle of it. Throughout all of this horses are always my one constant, horses are my healers and my teachers, my continual friends and forever my love and passion.